iamwithoutheart's Xanga

explosism

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 01:45:00 GMT

sometimes i have these episodes where i get a profoundly intense sense of emotional longing. not that i feel happy or sad about it; something just wells up in me that explodes into a sense of longing. it's both intense and overwhelming to the extent that i just want to scream; but i don't... i just clasp my hands together and push.

i think it has to do with how i intentionally distance myself from other people. but then again, i distance myself because i really don't feel like i relate to others in an "intimate" way.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 02:39:19 GMT

some things in life are simply wrong.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 22:25:56 GMT

i want to take art classes.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Wed, 24 Sep 2008 16:35:05 GMT

YEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 06:00:51 GMT

i drive myself nuts more than anyone else.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 09:11:13 GMT

i know i tend to scare people; i have too much energy, too much enthusiasm, too much randomness... more so than most people are able to deal with.

that's probably why i can't sleep that much, always b/c i want to be doing something other than sleeping. not to say sleeping is bad, it's just that, you're lying there and resting; but i guess i don't like resting. my basic instinct is to push myself to the edge and revel in the moment, the hour, the life of extremity and indulgence.

is that too much?

why do i ask that question when i know it is, for most people at least. i do that a lot, that is ask questions that i sequentially answer. i think it's just the way i work, the way i do things. a lot of times, i feel other people slow me down. at the same time, i feel like i need to slow down. we are all human, we are all social beings. we need each other b/c we are human, and then, not so much... b/c we are more than human. we are sentient, intelligent, soulful...

at least soulful are those who believe in the soul, such as myself. anyway, i mutter and ramble like i'm weaving myself around some ultimate truth with penultimate measures. it's odd yet not to me, i know, b/c it is myself and in myself i have comfort. in myself i know that i am forever and that in that forever there is life never ending.

i dream of forever, i breathe in eternity, i long for today for it is tomorrow. is that not what the snake said when it swallowed its own tail?

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 18:53:12 GMT

i want to write more often as it is my favored means of expression. however, i think i think much more than i express, much more than anything else in fact.

it's weird though, i ponder those questions that one really can't answer, like, "what is the meaning of life? what is right? what is wrong?" and such and such in relevance to daily life. okay, one can answer those questions but you just can't give one answer for all the people in the world.

intuitively i long for the abstract, for the profundity of experience that's lacking in this superficial world of ours. and the longer i live the more i realize that that's impractical since, by every estimate, all things measured and observed are superficial.

sometimes i wonder if saying such dreadfully wonderful words as "i love you" has any meaning in this day and age. is it because of what a person does for oneself that we would say it? or is it because we've simply accepted that person for who they are that we say it? isn't acceptance of anything based on the superficial? am i not giving you a headache? i hope i am because i'm sadistic like that.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Sat, 06 Sep 2008 04:58:49 GMT

some days i'm happier when i'm left alone; kind of like on my birthday.

today is one of those days.

i think i do this b/c i get so numb and desensitived to the world that i withdraw myself from it so that i start missing it again. then when i miss it enough i go back into the world and feel alive once more, though no less bored.

hm... then why on my birthday do i do this always? i guess i like to reflect upon life and do all the things that i personally enjoy. plus, on birthdays, i sometimes wonder if people are doing things for me or simply b/c of the day which is not truly for me but an obligation to the day.

heh, i think i also like to avoid people on my birthdays b/c no one really knows what i want... not that they could really give to me what i want. only one can, i guess... i wouldn't mind talking to that person at all.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 06:46:09 GMT

so currently i'm reading a series of books which i'll refer to as, the tales of the black company. i really like this book b/c it espouses the belief that there is no true good or evil; rather, good things can be, at the core, evil, and evil things can be, deep down, truly good. it's very reflective of my own beliefs.

there was a particular quote that struck me as resonant with my own soul, and it goes...

"I guess each of us, at some time, finds one person with whom we are compelled toward absolute honesty, one person whose good opinion of us becomes a substitute for the broader opinion of the world. And that opinion becomes more important than all our sneaky, sleazy schemes of greed, lust, self-aggrandizement, whatever we are up to while lying the world into believing we are just plain nice folks..."

i truly believe that there are people in this life with whom, try as we might, we will always be honest to. such people are the ones who know us soul to soul and will speak to us truly not b/c we are their friend, not b/c we give to them, but b/c they know us, just as we know them. it is like meeting someone for the first time and feeling like you've known them forever.

---

i did have some other insightful things to say but i'm a bit blah right now if that means anything to anyone.

anyway, i'm on an impulsive streak! now is the time to chide me into doing things i would normally not do! hehehe, oh i do love a good change of pace.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 06:36:56 GMT

today is another day, another day in the dream of the day that is the day of days.

hehe, my thoughts are so rambling weird like that, i somehow wonder how my mind maintains coherency and consistency of personality. maybe it's my randomness that is the consistency and the only coherent part of my personality is my insanity much like how perfection is change. paradox, that is so like me...oh wells...

i wonder if people ever feel like singing randomly in the middle of the day. isn't it a wonderful thing to be pleasantly reminded about something wonderful? some memory that makes us speak our soul and make us sing? that's the way i feel much too often. i want to sing and release all inhibition of myself, my true self... but no i restrain myself, as is the way of things.

it's odd how i can't make all the jokes that i want to make with every group of people b/c not everyone will laugh, not everyone will understand or much less approve. things are still taboo b/c people live in fear of that taboo and the judgment and contempt they so receive. and yet i don't care but i do care and b/c i don't care but do care i restrain myself yet privately recollect on the absurdity of whatever is not absurd to anyone but me.

these things make me sad happy. sad b/c i feel alone a lot of times, happy b/c i am unafraid. oh how much more fun life is when you're unafraid! unafraid to live the life that we were meant to live; to be passionate energetic and alive and when what moves and makes us takes us past the point of appreciation and into true and utter adoration. that is the life i wish to live and share in.

yet rarely do i find people who understand the true depth and meaning of appreciation. as is the way of man we tend to separate and divide ourselves; in all we do we give up little and less of ourselves. we are afraid, we are afraid of showing our true colors for the lack of acceptance. and yet we try and strive to find some semblance of our selves in others and for those who are utterly honest we hate b/c they are honest and we are not. for those who give up all of themselves we deride b/c we know their heart yet they know not ours. for those who are open unto the world we judge and deny though we guard and hide away our secret self.

is that not a sad consequence of humanity? yet somehow i dream subtle dreams so inhuman. do you ever consider life as one?